Written by Cary Tusan
Once upon a time there was a righteous bird that loved taking a crap on people’s head. But it chose its victims carefully. It would wait, perched on a tree and listen to what they were saying or what they did to determine if they deserved a judicious pooping.
One five-year old boy gleefully dumped ice cream on his father’s shoes threw the cone at his dad’s eyes and laughed, so the bird took a big shit on the kid’s head. The dad laughed. Dumb kid.
Another time, an Influencer carved an obnoxious design in the bird’s tree to make it look special for her Insta Live. Just as she hit record, the bird took a massive crap that dripped all down her face and arms like a scene from “Carrie.” A digital moment shared with the world.
A day later, a dog owner walked by vaping up a storm in front of their dog. When the dog took a dump on the sidewalk the owner left the shit there and continued to vape in the dog’s face, causing it to cough. The bird followed the dog owner all the way home and just before the owner went inside their apartment the bird let fly the biggest shit storm ever, covering the owner in bird poop. The owner got pissed, grabbed a rock and hurled it at the bird, wounding it. Then 50 of the bird’s family and friends swarmed the dog owner and rained so much bird crap, it blotted out the sun. In an effort to escape the shit storm the owner slipped and broke his leg and his arm.
The dog took a long pee on him and barked with joy.
The moral of the story: Be kind, especially to birds.